@EdCates there are many many things wrong with me, but the pertinent fact is that the phone hardware DOES NOT work, many phones are simply unable to make a normal phone call in the normal position.
The receiver volume is too low to compete with urban noise. I can't hear them.
The noise cancellation applied to the microphone also cancels the voice it's supposed to pickup. They can't hear me.
Going to speaker phone alleviates both of these problems. BTW I fucking hate phones and phone calls.